Those They Left Behind: The Hidden Grief of LGBTQ+ Loss in 19th and Early 20th Century Obituaries and Poetry
Scottish poet Thomas Campbell wrote, "To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die." While each life is unique, some experiences and emotions—such as fear, excitement, love, and loss—are universal and transcend our differences.
We have coped with the death of a loved one through memorials and obituaries for over a century. What began in Roman times as simple death notices alongside other news, such as weddings and births, by the Civil War evolved to include detailed accounts of the deceased's life, including achievements, surviving family members, and burial or service information. Yet, not all lives have been equally acknowledged in these remembrances.
In the late 19th century, homosexuality was viewed as both a crime and a psychological or moral issue. Relationships were kept hidden, even in death, leaving survivors to grieve alone. When acknowledged, it was through coded terms like "life partner," "intimate," or "lifelong friend."
Quiet Legacies, Loud Love
The obituary of American business owner and writer Charity Bryant highlights her marriage to Sylvia Drake, widely considered the first open 'Boston marriage.' The term, drawn from Henry James's novel The Bostonians, describes two women living together independently without financial support from men.
Both women were active community members, and their relationship was accepted in a way rare for the time. Although unnamed, Sylvia was referenced in Charity's 1851 obituary. It reads, "Her associate in life was a female of like age and inclinations. Together they lived for forty-four years without the separation of a single twenty-four hours!"
The relationship between novelist Sarah Orne Jewett and Anne Adams Fields offers a glimpse into how deeply personal partnerships were often acknowledged only in subtle terms. When Sarah fell ill in 1909, newspapers chronicled her declining health, referring to Anne as a "life-long friend." Upon Sarah's death, she left everything to Anne and her sister Mary.
When public recognition is denied, grief often finds its voice in poetry. Despite her success, Katharine Lee Bates, author of "America the Beautiful," was not mentioned in the news coverage of her long-time companion Katharine Coman's death in 1915 despite living together for more than a decade. In 1922, Bates wrote Yellow Clover, a collection of poems inspired by Coman.
The book's dedication reads, "To Katharine Coman 'Quis desiderio sit pudor aut modus tam cari capitas?'"—a quote from Horace's "Ode 1.24," meaning, "What modesty or limit should there be for feeling the loss of one so dear?"
Life on the Western frontier is often linked to rugged manhood, struggle, and strife. Cowboy poet Badger Clark, named South Dakota's first Poet Laureate in 1937, captured this life with elegance. While his sexuality is debated, the poem "The Lost Pardner" expresses profound grief over the loss of his companion Al. One line reads, "We loved each other in the way men do/ And never spoke about it, Al and me, / But we both knowed, and knowin' it so true/ Was more than any woman's kiss could be."
Stories of those who loved and grieved in silence remind us that love, in all its forms, transcends time and social constraints. Preserving their stories honors the relationships and losses of those who may have been denied recognition during their lives. Their experiences—filled with love, grief, and passion—reflect the universal emotions that bind us all. To discover more stories like these, check out LGBTQ+ Life in America.
